How I freaked out in the maternity’s first visit
So, apparently it’s common that you get overwhelmed when seeing the room that you will actually stay in after giving birth. But for me it was a lot to handle. After changing my doctor a few weeks ago, it has been decided that I need to give birth through C section, because of the placenta being split in 2 and can’t make a safe natural birth. Honestly, it was a bit of a relief for me. Because my plan was to give birth in water, but it seems like a big hustle to do the research and the whole process. So, now I had to choose between 2 big hospitals we have here in Bucharest that work with my doctor. So went with option no.1 which was closer to my house. Had to sign the contract today as I got a pretty big discount from the Family Expo I just visited 2 weekends ago.
But I was definitely not ready mentally.
So right before heading to the maternity, I had a very shitty feeling inside, as if I should not be going there and should not be doing that. I’ve had this feeling multiple times in my life, but as strong people always say, keep going and stay strong. So I tried ignoring that feeling and went to my appointment. As I was driving there in the parking lot, the feeling was getting even worse. There were no precise thoughts in my head, except that I don’t like the environment. And especially the parking place. It felt chaotic, rip off when it came to parking, and I usually have my parking God always keeping me safe and giving me the best possibility. This time he was on vacay as well. So I was feeling very lonely and a bit overwhelmed.
Met the girl from the contract department in the hallway, and the first thing she said was let’s go see the reserve in which I would stay after the birth. Really had no mood to do that, but guess that was the protocol, so followed it.
We went with this elevator to the third floor with 2 patients, 1 doctor and 2 gossipy nurses, and you could already feel that environment of the hospital. It has a specific energy, can’t really put it into words. Fact is, at the last hospital I’ve been, the public one, where I was also internated, there was not this vibe at all. So felt more like I’m just gonna hang around for 3 days in another room then mine. Here it was very vividly the feeling that you are in a hospital – which maybe makes the subconscious panic instantly because something is wrong. Have no idea why so much pressure, but it was there and I was on the verge of losing it.
Then we got on the third floor, we put on this nice green robe, plastic shoes. And when she opened the room to see the single reserve, I saw the bed which was destined for me, and then the little bed for the kiddo.
It freaked me out completely
Maybe it was the strong slap of reality telling me it’s really happening. Your life will completely change 100% and it will be you and the kiddo and that’s it. Or maybe I just had a bad vibe about the hospital itself and I should look for more options. But the slap was real and big. So I instantly rushed out, started crying and just didn’t want to continue with anything. The feeling was pretty similar to the beginning of a panic attack, except I did not feel the heat on my neck and head and I was still pretty much in my body, and fully conscious. Just emotional – as the ladies from the third floor described it.
They said most women start crying when they see the room where they keep all the babies. And it’s a kind of happy crying. Mine was more of a “save me I don’t know what I’ll do” kind of crying.
So the contract lady was really kind and empathic, she brought some water and we decided to go down.
Then, it got worse for me. I was still trapped in a hospital and started crying like a little kid that lost all her toys and when going outside, I was almost gonna faint. Like literally seeing spots in front of my eyes and feeling very dizzy. Lady was smart enough to bring me an orange fresh. That helped a lot. Kiddo is also consuming lots of vitamins from my body.
So we chatted a bit about how this pre-birth “depression” is pretty normal to some women. Most have the after-birth one. Seems I like to have a head start and get it over with. I mean when the kid is here, I definitely need to have my focus on her and no time for depression.
After 15-20 min I was feeling much better, strong and again in full capacity of emotions, mentally and physically. Decided to come next time with Stefan to somehow contrast my panic with his extra enthusiasm.
So first time mommies, if you encountered something even close to that, don’t worry, it’s extremely normal. I wouldn’t even call it depression. It’s just an overwhelming moment. Indeed, each woman has her own past, her own inner beliefs, her own life situation when it comes to the job, the relationship she has with the father of the kiddo, so you cannot give any advice to anyone just because your life experience is in a certain way. But what I did notice these past 6 months for myself is the fact that always, and I mean always, talking to someone made me feel a bit better each time. And not necessarily an expert or even a friend. Just by sharing that thoughts you manage to acknowledge them and move past them.
Now, as a general rule of the law of attraction, it’s really important what we give out there. Thoughts of fear, rejection, panic, negativism or love, care and joy. But when the bad ones come, you cannot simply fake them and say they are not there. But to overcome them, is being aware of them and accepting them as part of you, as that old self that doesn’t want to let go. That part of you that you’re grasping on because you’re scared of the new you, which is more mature, more responsible, more loving and more at peace with yourself. I know we’re all used by 30 to all the baggage we’ve slowly but carefully gathered and we think that it makes us who we are today. But any woman has that love inside her. It’s just a matter of which side of you you want to choose to show more. The white wolf, or the black wolf